A bond (relationship wise) is when two people have a connection. Being attracted to each other and sharing common values and interests brought the two of you together as a couple, but the bond has not been set completely. Besides the fact that you have love and care between you, you also need to see whether or not the two of you are friends. Is it possible to be friends? Absolutely! As a matter of fact, it is a must if the two of you are going to build a lasting bond.
Having a strong longing and passion for another is important, but is not enough fuel to keep the bond running. With friendship, your relationship will remain having that strength under all kinds of circumstances. There will be times, for example, when you as a couple are not living in your most passionate times. This is natural and does not mean there is no longer love or desire. As your relationship deepens, you will go through many experiences and stages that may put your romance and frequent hot sex aside for a while. This is where friendship comes in and why it is so important. You should be there for each other and understand your partner's situations and concerns. Just take a look at your friends. See what makes your friendship with them so great. You then need to see if your partner has those same similarities or exact (sticking up for you when you need the back up for instance) qualities. Another point to keep in mind is keeping yourself aware of what behavior you would not except from a friend. You should definitely not accept those behaviors from your mate (like standing you up all the time) either.
It is not easy to put our friends and lovers in the same comparison because we are in love with our partners, and therefore will be more patient with them than we would with our friends. You can easily blind yourself due to the love you feel for that person and not even realize when he or she is not being a good friend and partner to you. How can you tell? A true friendship is basically the same as the true qualities that define real love. The difference is, we are in love and have a deep desire for our mates, with commitment and a goal of building a future, and perhaps even getting married and making a family together. The list below will help you see if your lover is a friend to you as well.
You can talk to and confide in each other about anything.
Your partner is there for you when you need to talk to someone.
Being able to always rely on each other when one is counted on.
Having a permanent shoulder to cry on when we need it
Having many things in common
Accepting one another for who we are
Listening to us and considering our opinions important
Do not feel guilty for having higher expectations from your lover either. People often feel like they should be more lenient and understanding when it comes to their lovers. Even though it is important to keep an understanding attitude (to avoid misunderstandings and arguments), you should never let things always slide or make up excuses for your partner's wrong doings. You should expect better and not except such behavior. You deserve better. After all, you invest most of your emotions and time into your partner, so always remember that you are entitled to receive the same.
As important as having that great friendship is, it is also good to remember not to let the friendship get out hand. Is it possible to let a friendship get carried away? Yes, in a relationship it is. It is wonderful when you can be best friends with your partner, but sometimes the friendship is doing so well that it receives all the focus, while in the meantime the romance (being in love) has been neglected. If you are not careful, in time, you will start looking at each other as close buddies and no longer be that passionate couple you started as. There are points that can guide you into detecting when your romance and desire is entering the danger zone before it is too late and would be suggestible to seek professional advice on how to get things back on track.
Remembering not to forget our desires for our partner will keep the romance in the picture. If the relationship still fails to rekindle those feelings and you or your partner cannot leave that buddy mode, looking around with curiosity for others, then your relationship will need some extra help (you can get advice on how to save your relationship). What if it is difficult to have a friendship? This can be another issue, but there are ways to help you find solutions. Some couples may share the most wonderful romance and sex ever, but not really have an actual friendship. In most cases, it would not be advisable to stay in such a relationship, but there are ways you can try and still have some hope.
As long as you and your partner remember to keep the romance, love and friendship balanced, your relationship will continue to live in great health, living as long as the both of you wish it to! The decision is yours, so be good enough to yourself and your mate to make the right one. Relationships can seem confusing and hopeless at times, and they can get that way if you do not keep close watch. Stop yourself periodically to check the status of your relationship to makes sure the bond is building, as it should be. Keep in mind that with the right attention and teamwork, the two of you can build the greatest bond. Most importantly, remember that key word you just learned?BALANCE.
You've been together several months, but something doesn't feel quite right with your partner. You start wondering if he or she might be having an affair. Is it jealousy, your imagination or just apathy that is the result of long-term complacency with each other? It can be hard to tell sometimes, but when in doubt go with your gut and look for the following behaviors that might mean your mate is having an affair.
Oddly, your partner might be having an affair if he or she is acting MORE attentive than usual to you.
If you are suddenly showered with gifts and compliments in what almost seems like an inappropriate manner, then he or she might be trying to make up for guilty feelings.
Look for a sudden change in your partner's routine. Is he or she staying out a lot longer than usual, not showing up for dinner or unaccountable at times for his or her whereabouts? If your partner suddenly alters his or her daily habits that too can be a sign of cheating.
If your partner is frequently picking fights with you, that might also mean big trouble. The emotional logic behind this is that picking a fight gives him or her to an excuse to fly out of the house and possibly into the arms of the third party. That way the cheating partner can deny guilty feelings and blame you instead. If you are not to blame, a cheater will create a reason to justify what he or she is doing to you.
Your mate might also become overly critical of you. This is part of an agenda that once again, gives them an excuse to leave or justify the affair. The guilty partner might also be overly sensitive to criticism from you as there may be a ring of truth that triggers guilty feelings that they would rather not face.
If every time you have fight your partner threatens you with ending the relationship, you might also have a cheater on your hands. Your lover feels safe with these ultimatums because they have another person as "back-up" should the two of you decide to split up.
Another sign of cheating is a consistent negative attitude towards the relationship and comments that make you feel as if you have an expiry date inked on your forehead. This might include saying such things as "I would like to travel next year." (with no mention of a "we") or "You know I will always love you, even if this ever ended."
If your lover becomes withdrawn and depressed, it could be that he or she is brooding about what they have done and can't handle the guilt. Sudden explosive displays of affection or anger can also be a bad sign, as the partner might be transferring emotional reactions from the infidelity onto you simply because you see each other more often. In other words, you may be the recipient of a mood that is not due to any of your actions at all.
If your mate becomes incommunicative and refuses to interact with you, this can also be a sign of cheating. He or she might seem cold or inconsiderate of your feelings and be less intimate with you in general. This kind of psychological distancing includes such behaviors such as locking the bathroom door when he or she has always left it open. They may also insist that they pick up their own dry cleaning or keep locked drawers. They may also insist on doing their own laundry. If he or she seems extra finicky about personal boundaries or seems to be trying to set new rules about privacy, this is also a warning sign.
Relationship experts say that if your partner's taste in clothing, movies or music suddenly changes, than they may be trying please their new lover.
Another sign of cheating is if your partner seems to be a bit over the top when cutting up or criticizing a person that both of you know quite well. This is a common tactic used to conceal an affair that leads you believe that nothing would ever be possible between the two of them.
Perhaps the biggest indication that you might be dealing with a cheater is if they stop acting as if they are a part of your life. They may lose complete interest in family, friends or following through on mutual financial goals or plans for the future. Your mate also might be reluctant to go out of town for any reason, as that might cause a crisis in his or her other relationship.
If you do discover that your mate is cheating, you are likely to go through the five stages of grief - shock denial, anger, sadness and acceptance. There is no underestimating the enormous impact of these reactions, even if you had a gut feeling that you knew about the affair all along.
Your relationship will also probably go through three phases. The first is the reaction to the affair, the second is the decision as to what to do about it and the last is a recuperation phase (whether or not you decide to stick it out with your partner in the end.) If your partner is willing to be part of the decision and recuperation phases, it is highly recommended that you seek marriage or relationship counseling to deal with the fall-out from the infidelity.
I thumbed through the Manchester City Yellow pages under "Escort Services". There were twenty-five pages! "Escort" is just the way businesses get around saying "prostitutes". Clearly, the world's oldest profession is alive and well here in the Big Apple. I even feel I can safely say that not all the men who patronize these services are single.
Cheat is a silly word It's culturally centered. It implies that we've violated the rules of the game of fidelity. First off, take a look at the current divorce rate: 1 out of every 2 marriages fails. Why? Marital infidelity is the biggest reason. There are other cultures that openly allow a man to have more than one wife; the Muslims. One of the richest men on the planet today, The Sultan of Brunei has 100 wives! Right in the United States, polygamy is openly practiced in Utah.
We exist as human beings on two levels; with bodies and minds. We attempt to enforce a set of Puritanical moral codes that contradict our physical desires. This is just another of the many ridiculous hypocrisies people try to impose upon themselves and others.
If we would only be honest with ourselves, then we'd acknowledge the fact that we are sexually attracted to more than one individual.
This is not a violation of any love promise made to one woman, it's just instinct, that pre-loaded software package in our brains. On the purely physical plane, we have instinct and hormones constantly influencing our thoughts. This combination comes into play when a man sees an attractive woman walking by. She stimulates his senses. He doesn't know what she's thinking he only sees her physical attributes. They make him feel good.
He has fantasies of what it would be like to kiss her, to feel her body against his; to make love to her. Seconds after, a second thought, guilt, may come barging in. "I'm a married man" or "I've got a girlfriend" or "How could I betray her like that?" It's absurd that a man should feel guilt for something over which he has no control.
Let's not forget movies, television and printed media. James Bond, the ultimate womanizer, immediately comes to mind. What about these soap operas that millions of women sit glued to their televisions watching? The appeal of most of them is in watching the main characters have affairs. Now there's a show on Fox called "Temptation Island"(which should really be called "Sexual Survivor") where young couples are placed on an island. The men and women are separated to opposite sides inhabited by horny singles whose sole mission is to seduce these committed people. The ratings for this show have been phenomenal! And how about that riveting drama in the tabloids as well as mainstream newspapers that unfolded in the White House a few years ago? You remember, Bill Clinton and "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky" Monica Lewinsky?
With the advent of the Internet, a whole new definition of cheating exists: Computer love affairs, the infidelity of your text. Men can cyber with women and vice versa.
Here is where the distinction must be drawn. Physical performance vs. emotional betrayal. Which do you think is more important?
A man can patronize a hooker, and once he's completed the sexual act she becomes just a vague memory. He doesn't want to grow old with her.
This is a very important point since men and women have fought, marriages have crumbled, and so much emotional agony are left in its wake.
The bottom line, is that men are and will continue to be attracted to other women and yes, women have and will continue to be attracted to other men too. When we can accept the reality, then maybe we'll have become more mature as a society.
1. WHEN WILL I SEE YOU AGAIN? You'll see him when you see him. If he wants to see you again, he'll call. If not, next. You don't have time for anyone that doesn't have time for you.
2. WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL? There's only one answer to this question: Because he didn't want to!!! What you're really asking is, "Why didn't you want to call me?" Who knows!! There could be a lot of reasons, but you shouldn't be sitting around wondering why. You should be out dating lots of different guys and not worrying about ONE guy. Don't be so quick to put all your eggs into one basket, because if they break, it's a big mess!
3. WHERE WERE YOU? If he wanted you to know where he was, he'd tell you. What you're really asking is, "Where you with another female that you like better than me?" Your insecurity is showing, my dear. If anything, he should be wondering where you were.
4. I LOVE YOU (FIRST) - You're saying it in the hopes that he'll say it back, but what if he doesn't? You'll be devastated and probably feel foolish. Saying "I love you" is not going to speed things up if he's not ready to say it back. So just cool it, and let him be the first to say it when he's ready.
5. DID YOU SLEEP WITH HER? As long as he's not sleeping with her now, who cares? The past is gone. Don't torture yourself (and him) with these thoughts. In this case, ignorance really is bliss.
6. I'M PREGNANT. In 2005, with all the birth control choices available, there is no excuse for becoming pregnant, unless you want to be. You should be using something and he should use a condom, every time.
7. WHERE IS THIS GOING? Nowhere fast if that's your attitude. Guys want someone fun and easy to be with, not someone that's constantly worrying about the future. His actions or non-actions will tell you where it's going. If it's going somewhere, you'll know it. If it's not, you'll know it too.
8. WE NEED TO TALK. This is the equivalent of, "Go to the principal's office". Guys know it's not going to be a fun conversation, so they're already on the defense. If you need to discuss something, just casually bring it up when the both of you are relaxed. Don't try to talk to him when he's tired, stressed or trying to watch tv!
9. I HATE YOU! Even if you do, it's totally uncalled for and un-lady like. If there's an issue, be mature enough to discuss it when you're calm. If he's breaking up with you, reacting with anger may make you feel better temporarily, but it's best to remain calm and act unfazed. He'll wonder why you're so cool about it and that may make him re-think his decision. Always be pleasant during a break up. Do you want to be known as the girl that goes psycho if someone breaks up with her?? I didn't think so.
10. I DON'T TRUST YOU. What you're actually saying is, "You need to step up your game, because I can see you're up to something." If he is up to something, he'll just become even sneakier. Better to think smart and act dumb-it'll be easier to get the evidence you need to confirm your suspicions.
Lucia is a dating and relationship expert, columnist, lecturer and host of the TV Show "The Art of Love".
With over 20 years experience on the relationship market, Lucia has dated men of all nationalities in six cities, four countries and two continents. Her practical know-how makes her the perfect candidate to dispense relationship advice ? after all, in almost every dating dilemma she has been there, done that and lived to tell about it.
Come on guys, what would Africa be without its variety of succulent meals?
Yes, African food is something I cannot live without.
I eat chicken and chips in a shop in London only because I have got to eat something.
But a nice plate of Ghanaian Banku and Okro or eba from Nigeria, ohh! I really remember home, in a nice red palm oil sauce, with a big portion of fufu or fufuo and aponkye krakra - that is what I call real food.
Or a market filled with wild meats, such as antelope, and fresh greens, the choice is yours.
I love African food and each time I go back home for a holiday, I always make sure that my mum cooks me a special African meal.
And the next day I run to eat wood-grilled goat meat in the typical small African restaurant bar - of course with a deadly cold local beer.
by Opanin K
